


manners maketh man

by antikytheras



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Gen, M/M, all i wanted was a spy trying to ask nicely for access to the control room, daichi's so done with his team, iwaizumi just wants to live his normal life, oikawa's an absolute piece of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 02:12:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12159495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antikytheras/pseuds/antikytheras
Summary: Oikawa triespolitelyasking for access to the control room and is pleasantly surprised when Tech Guy agrees.Well. Maybe not all that surprised, considering that he's got a gun aimed at Tech Guy's head.





	manners maketh man

Oikawa loves his team. Really, he does. Even if their captain is a little boring and has a stick up his ass and a growing collection of grey hairs thanks to his and Kuroo's antics, at least he's dependable enough to keep them all alive whether they like it or not.

'There we go.' Speak of the devil. Daichi lowers his rifle scope. 'Target sighted.'

Kuroo motions at the top of the mountain with a crook of his gloved finger. 'You see that thing? It's right up against a hundred foot drop. No way in or out without that thing over there.' He nods at a long wire connecting the white metal structure perched atop the peak to the much more manageable slope of a neighbouring mountain below. There's a cable car, round and squat and expensive-solid-glass sitting at the end of the line, just waiting to be hijacked.

'Me and Agent Black Cat are gonna go on up ahead. We'll need you to get to the control room and get us up there,' Daichi says, all business and no-nonsense. He's been awfully uptight ever since he got off the phone with Suga, back when they'd all been at the base.

Daichi's worrying over nothing, Oikawa thinks, vaguely annoyed. They'll be fine, the world isn't that hard to save. It's a lot less difficult this time around, at least. So he grins and cocks his head, bringing two fingers to his temple in a mock-salute, just to piss Daichi off a little. 'Got it, Agent Crow.'

Kenma's voice comes in over their comms earpieces. 'They're using an outdated system, so I can't remotely hack it from here. I need to be on-site.'

'Yeah, yeah, no need to throw a tantrum, I'll get you wherever you want, kiddo.'

'That's Agent Pudding Hair to you,' Kuroo corrects, a little too delightedly.

'Shut up,' Kenma retorts, his fingers already dancing over his keyboard. 'Just Kenma is fine.'

'Anyway,' Daichi cuts in before the two Feline-affiliated agents can start arguing, 'a manual override should be more than enough. Just get us in and out as fast as you can.'

'Oh, you know me, it'll be smooth as a baby's ass.' While he speaks, Oikawa lifts his black umbrella and points it at a railing on the control centre. He pushes a button embedded in the handle and a grappling hook flies from the tip of the umbrella, looping round the steel frame and just like that he's shooting through the air, the wind howling in his ears and drowning out Kuroo's ugly laughter.

He's way out of earshot by the time Daichi gets a snarky remark in, but Kenma's voice is clear as crystal when he helpfully comments, 'Gross.'

He somersaults during his landing and grins to himself when there's barely a thud to declare his arrival. He's been watching the way Kuroo moves, impossibly quiet-and-stealthy despite the man's dominating presence, and he thinks he's got the hang of it by now.

'Hush, Pudding-kun, wouldn't want you distracting me during a critical moment, now would we?' And that's all the warning Kenma gets before Oikawa's deactivating his earpiece.

Finally. Peace and quiet. He can't work with their blabbering in his ears.

Oikawa loops the handle of the umbrella on his wrist and strolls over to the door. It's not locked.

Too easy, he thinks, sirens blaring in his head, but it's just a ski resort and not a black-protocol area so there's no need for alarm. He's been away from the field far too long, but his instincts still serve him well, even if his body is now crippled.

His eye-socket still aches in the cold. It's not used to being empty.

There's a spiral staircase leading to a more well-lit area at the top. Oikawa doesn't bother going for stealth when he ascends, the heel of his boots striking a rhythmic thud-thud-thud against the white-painted metal.

There's a bored-looking guy staring at the monitors with his headphones thrown over his ears, but he turns when Oikawa starts approaching him with a genial smile.

'Hi,' he says in passably-fluent Italian, 'I'm here for an inspection.'

The man blinks, then gives him an obvious once-over. His gaze lingers on the black glass over his left eye, his impossibly well-tailored light blue suit, and finally the fancy black umbrella in his hands.

'An inspection. Really.' The Italian he gets in return is halting and unsure, so Oikawa sighs and switches back to English.

'Yeah, you know, don't they give you guys warnings about these things—' And in a smooth-fluid motion he lifts his right arm and shoots a tranq dart from the black device wrapped around his wrist.

His arm twitches. His wrist feels wrong, like it's being held in a position it shouldn't be. He's been out of the field for a few months now, and his body's already forgotten how to listen to his orders. How cumbersome.

The dart lands wide off the mark. The poor tech guy's staring at the little black needle embedded in the side of his screen.

Well. Fuck.

\--

Iwaizumi thinks he's a pretty normal guy. He's got a lovely sister and a lovelier mother, and the three of them form a pretty perfect picture even without his deadbeat dad. He'd graduated with pretty okay grades, got a pretty okay degree, and now he's looking for a stable job in a pretty okay field. He's got a circle of pretty good friends, and he's dated around once or twice but it's always been uneventful, albeit semi-decent, but things just haven't really worked out for one reason or another. On the whole, though, his life is pretty okay. It could be a whole lot worse.

At least that's what he tells himself when a charming, if somewhat pushy guy barges in through the door and fails miserably at passing himself off as a routine inspector.

It could be a whole lot worse, really. _Really_ , he insists, even after the dubious man misfires a strange, needle-like projectile at the monitor that's served him well over the course of his interim part-time job. His friend's parents own a skiing place somewhere out in Italy, and they'd offered him a place at the control station for the cable cars that lead to the very top of the mountains. It's been a nice slow crawl of odd patrons every once in a while, but the internet's pretty fast and he's got the whole control centre all to himself so it's been a fairly enjoyable job on the whole.

He definitely isn't getting paid enough to sit around and have a gun pulled on him, though.

'Look, I don't really want to do this,' the dubious one-eyed man begins, curling his finger round the trigger with a sigh, 'but I mean, y'know, no hard feelings, yeah?'

Iwaizumi thinks getting shot just might qualify as a worst-case scenario after all.

So he goes straight for the gun, pushes against the man's elbow and smacks his wrist and forces him to drop the gun. The man's eyes go wide in surprise for a moment, but only a moment, and then he's nothing but cold-hard-steel in his methodical blocks and counters to Iwaizumi's attacks.

'What, don't tell me you're with them,' the man says, annoyed.

'With who?' Iwaizumi demands, ducking to avoid a kick to the jaw.

'Those fucks up there.' The man lands a kick to Iwaizumi's ribs, then there are strong-choking-thighs around his neck and the man's weight is forcing him back to the table with the monitor on it. 'I'm gonna use the computer for a little bit, okay? You just sit tight and take a nice long nap.'

In the oxygen-deprived adrenaline rush, Iwaizumi finds himself getting distracted by the man's cruel, arrogant smile, all sharp teeth-and-danger and no-mercy in his dark, dark eyes. His hair's barely fallen out of place, and from down in between the man's rock-solid thighs Iwaizumi can see the perfect taper of his pants barely-stretching over his skin, the creases in his stiff-starched white shirt behind the double-breasted suit jacket still perfectly arranged in place.

Then his survival instincts kick in and he reaches for the man's black umbrella, which had landed somewhere on the table during their scuffle. The man's eyes follow his movement, and in a flash he's reaching out to push the umbrella away. The man might be fast, but Iwaizumi is the stronger of the two, and so he pushes against the weak flick and smashes the handle into the side of the man's head, the tip of the handle dangerously close to the darkened glass.

Immediately, the man recoils, and Iwaizumi shoves the man off his chest. He recovers with cat-like grace, barely making a sound when he lands perched on the balls of his feet.

'What do you want?' Iwaizumi growls, panting with exertion. The man still looks perfectly put together— in fact, there's amusement in the slant of his smile.

He's all slow-deliberate movements when he strides over to the gun on the floor and scoops it up. 'Oh, just saving the world and what-have-you.'

'I'm not with whoever you're against,' Iwaizumi says immediately, because he's fairly certain the man would find shooting him perfectly-fair-game now that Iwaizumi's tried to exploit his obvious blind spot.

'Then you'll let me use the console?' It's not really a question.

He's all bold bravado when he tries, 'If you give me the gun.'

'Ha, no, I don't think so.' The man's taking his time to load a bullet into the chamber, making sure to punctuate his mockery with the sharp _snap_.

Iwaizumi's buying time when he asks, 'So what exactly does your idea of "saving the world" entail, huh?' so it's a surprise when the man blinks and considers the question seriously.

'There's a madwoman trying to legalise drug use by infecting her buyers with a deadly virus, and we're trying to stop them from dying. Painfully.'

'And how do I know whether or not I can trust you?'

'You don't,' the man says cheerfully, pointing the gun at Iwaizumi's head with trembling fingers. He frowns at his body's weakness, but shrugs with the cocky confidence of an assassin who knows the inevitability of his target's death. 'But I didn't have to tell you anything, and I did. Make up your mind, kiddo. I'm running on a tight schedule and my friends do _so_ hate it when I play with my food.'

Iwaizumi scowls. 'You could've said so earlier.' He steps away from the desk, looking the man in the eye when he holds the black umbrella out in front of him and drops it onto the floor.

The man laughs, a sharp, delighted sound. The umbrella lands with the sound of two objects clattering when he tosses the loaded gun in his hand to join it. 'Thanks for your cooperation, kid.'

Iwaizumi grunts. 'The fourth tab. The controls are there, so hurry and send your friends up.'

\--

When the research centre at the top of the mountain goes up in flames, Oikawa finds himself dragging the tech guy out the door with him.

'The fuck was that?' Tech Guy snaps.

'You don't wanna be around here when their boss finds out, trust me.' He can imagine the crazy drug lady "accidentally" giving everyone in the general vicinity of the explosion a terrible overdose.

'My friend's mum is gonna kill me! They gave me that job and I helped some guy in a suit blow up the cable lines!?'

Oikawa rolls his eyes. 'First of all, I'm not the one who blew it up. I'll make sure they're reimbursed if it's such a big deal to you, geez.'

Tech Guy remains undeterred. 'And the cable car? It was spinning like a top! The revolving mechanism isn't even supposed to go that fast!'

'Some asshole overrode the controls.' Does he really have to explain everything to him?

It's a long way down to the base of the mountain, a vast series of staircases and buildings connected to one another in a giant labyrinth of white-on-steel. He's dragging Tech Guy into an empty glass building when Tech Guy starts pulling at his sleeve urgently.

'And your friends?'

How sweet, Tech Guy's concerned about his friends. Oikawa touches the earpiece, and he's immediately assaulted with Kuroo and Daichi's heated screams mid-argument.

He flicks it back off. 'Alive and kicking.'

Tech Guy suddenly starts squirming out of his grip. At this point, Oikawa's got half a mind to throw him off the edge. He's opening his mouth to tell Tech Guy exactly that when a bullet grazes Tech Guy's right cheek.

Well, fuck. Goons on the way.

Oikawa throws Tech Guy behind a wall. 'Take cover, I've got this.'

'Your gun—'

With a groan, Oikawa pulls out a spare. 'Oh _please_ , I'm a professional. Stay behind that wall and keep your head down if you wanna stay alive.'

After that, he starts to lose track of things. It's an endless cycle of shoot-reload-get-a-new-clip, punctuated by the occasional huff of irritation when Oikawa's body disobeys him and sends a bullet flying uselessly into the snow outside.

He's in the middle of the third step when he realises that oops, he's all out of bullets.

'Fuck,' he curses, and the remaining goons immediately take aim at his head.

There's a bang of piston-on-gunpowder, and a goon drops dead. Startled, his friends fumble their shots, and Oikawa takes the chance to duck behind the wall.

Tech Guy's holding his old gun, looking downright murderous. Oikawa feels his heart go all a-flutter.

'I said, I have your gun,' Tech Guy snaps.

'Yes, well done, good boy, now give it to me.' Oikawa fumbles the catch, but he more-than makes up for it when he squeezes out one shot and hears two bodies drop to the floor.

Delighted, he turns back to Tech Guy, ready to boast about his skill, but Tech Guy's looking a little queasy.

'Ah,' Oikawa says delicately, pocketing the gun so that none of the metal is exposed against his light-coloured suit. 'First kill?'

Tech Guy nods. Poor boy.

'Let's just get you out of here.'

\--

When Oikawa turns up at the rendezvous point with an extra shell-shocked man in tow, Daichi's ready to send his ass flying into next week.

'What,' he bites out, 'did you do.'

Oikawa drops the man in the cabin and slams the door shut. Kuroo looks up from where he's warming his hands by the fire while Daichi moves away from the window, keeping his frame concealed from the outside world now that he doesn't have to keep an eye out for their problem child.

'This kid let me take over the control room without too much of a fight, and then he saved my life.' Oikawa's never this blunt. Something must have happened. 'The least we could do is pack him outta here. Alive.'

Kuroo grins. Oikawa glares at him and he drops the smile with a shrug, though the amusement remains in the corners of his eyes.

' _Attached_ , are we?' Oh, there's the jab.

Oikawa turns an interesting shade of red. 'You're the one fucking our mission coordinator, you don't get to say anything.'

Kuroo holds his hands up in surrender. ' _Touché_. Unfortunately,' he nods at the window, and they all turn to watch a large white van pull up to the wood cabin, 'we've got company.'

Daichi buries his head in his hands, looking phenomenally stressed.

'What's your name?' Kuroo asks Oikawa's new friend kindly, and Daichi knows that it's less of a "make the new guy feel welcome" thing and more of a "we need an address to mail the body back to" kind of thing.

The new guy's voice is deceptively level when he replies, 'Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi Hajime.'

'I'm Crow, that's Black Cat, and that one,' Daichi nods at Oikawa, 'is King.'

Iwaizumi bursts out, 'Are you all furries or something!?' and that's all it takes to send Oikawa into a fit of hysterical giggles.

Kuroo unzips the black bag in front of him and tosses a pair of guns at Oikawa's face to shut him up. 'Suit up boys, we're going hunting.'

Oikawa's extra-flippant when he comments, 'Iwa-chan doesn't need a gun if he's got me.'

Iwaizumi growls at Oikawa, hackles raised. He wrestles one of the guns out of Oikawa's grip and snaps, 'I can take care of myself, you piece of shit!'

Daichi shares a look with Kuroo, whose grin widens until it's almost splitting his face into two.

'We're keeping him.'

'Oh, absolutely.'

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you thought to yourself "hey this seems like a scene from a certain movie" congratulations you got me i watched the sequel without ever having watched the first one and i a d o r e d it
> 
> the reason iwaizumi thinks king is also a furry reference is [here](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/tekken/images/4/42/T7FR_King.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/310?cb=20170706000757&path-prefix=en)
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/_antikytheras/)
> 
>  
> 
> p.s. [slight spoiler] if someone does fanart of oikawa as galahad senior i will love u forever


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